Pregnancy
and Birth
“A child’s
religious education begins, for better or worse, the day that the mother knows
she is pregnant”
Madeleine Simon “Born Contemplative”
Darton, Longman and Todd, 1993
Many
parents both fathers and mothers feel very tentative
in their parenting role, as though they need permission from some one in order
to back up the decisions they take as parents. Institutions are keen to exploit
this uncertainty where it can give them power over the process and save funds.
It can start with the visit to your GP to confirm a pregnancy and to discuss the
birth.
Because
of the nature of the hospital birth experience and of attitudes of some health
care staff, many start their new life as parents with a deep sense of being
inadequate and of not being sure how to relate to their child. In the early
months and years of their child’s life, parents very often come into contact
with “professionals” who have the settled conviction that they know best and
further undermine the parent’s confidence.
Whether you opt for a hospital
birth, a home birth, a birth in water or a Caesarian, to avoid such a situation
arising, it is crucial that your choice is both well informed and genuinely
free. So how can parents prepare for pregnancy, labour and the early months?
- By attending a good preparation course for
childbirth such as those run by the National
Childbirth Trust; the courses they run really help you think about,
understand , discuss the issues involved in the process of pregnancy,
labour and the first few weeks and help you to arrive at a common view,
unique to you as a couple. These courses are quite unlike the usual
“hospital tour” “courses which are routinely run by local Heath
Authorities, the purpose of which is to tell parents how the hospital
expects you to behave. Early booking for NCT courses is very important. If
you are interested, you need to phone up as soon as you know you are expecting,
as courses are very good and there is often a waiting list..
- By finalising your
choice of names and identifying good Saints you think would be a good Patron Saint for a son or
daughter.
- By finalising your choice of who would be
good Godparents. Finding a good one, let alone two is often quite an
issue and the earlier you start thinking about it, the likelier you are to
make a good choice. Approaching
your preferred candidates early gives you the chance to discuss what
would be involved and them the chance to consider whether they feel able
to take on this important responsibility. “A godparent should be an active
member of the Catholic Church, who has received baptism and confirmation
and who goes to Mass and receives Holy Communion regularly. People often
chose other family members or long-standing friends. It needs to be a
person who is trustworthy, mature (at least 16 years old) and responsible.
Being a godparent is a very important spiritual responsibility and is not
to be thought of as a favour handed to a friend or relative or even worse,
a new acquaintance of one of the parents…At the anniversary of baptism
each year, you might think of sending a card or even a present. This will
remind the parents and the child of the great gift their child has
received in baptism and then, when the child is a little older, he will
want to know why this day is special. As the time for First Holy Communion
approaches, and later Confirmation. the
godparents will be involved in supporting the child and the family. In
every way [a].. godparent..
[strives] to support, encourage and assist [the] godchild along the
pilgrim path of faith”” (“Being a godparent” CTS Essentials leaflet 2004
ISBN 186082 249 5. It also, of course, needs to be someone who is in
practical terms able to form a relationship with the child; a potential
candidate who lives on another continent for example, is unlikely to be
able to fulfil their responsibilities as well as a local one. So, becoming
a godparent is a weighty and life-long responsibility and it is important
that your chosen candidates have the space and permission to say “no”
without there being hard feelings; they need to feel genuinely free to
accept or decline.
- By talking to other Catholic parents
whose parenting style you admire about the joys and challenges. If you
find it difficult to meet other Catholic parents because (as is often the
case) people dash off after Mass, then consider starting your own Parish
group. Failing that, you can get a great deal of spiritual, emotional and
practical support online by joining a mailing list such as; http://groups.yahoo.com/group/CathHomeUK/join.
(this list is run by Catholic home-schooling
families, but you do not have to be home-schooling to join. I have
personally found it to be of great help).
- By reading some good books on pregnancy and
labour, discussing them with your spouse and drawing up a birth plan. When you are in
labour, it is too late to fully appreciate and think through all of the
issues and choices you may face; the decisions you make (or have thrust
upon you in labour) will have a marked and long term effect on you as
individual parents and children and on your family relationships, for good
or bad. It is therefore worth while thinking through the options well in
advance. Books I have found very useful include “
Misconceptions” by Naomi Wolf,
Beverley Leech “Am I allowed?” and books by Sheila Kitzinger.
- By reading some good books on a mother’s and
father’s role eg; “A mother’s rule of life” "How to bring order to
your home and peace to your soul" by Catholic mother Holly Pierlot (
ISBN 1-928832_41-5) and “Father, the family protector” By James Stenson
available from Southwell Books www.southwellbooks.com
(01823 401193)
- By reading some good books on the early weeks
with a new baby. Doing so will make the transition to a new way of life
very much easier and give you much greater confidence with facing the
decisions you will be called upon to make. The book I most wish I had read
before our first daughter’s arrival is “Breastfeeding
and Catholic Motherhood” by Sheila Kippley. This is as relevant for fathers as for
mothers.
- By finding friends
who are already parents and who respect your right to decide your options
for yourself and by asking them about their experiences. A good way to do
this is to go along to the coffee mornings organised, locally by the
National Childbirth Trust.
- By talking to couples whose child is breast-fed. The National Childbirth Trust can put
you in touch with other parents who breastfeed if you do not know any
yourself. They also provide a very good non -judgemental breast-feeding
support service, staffed by sensitive and well-trained breast-feeding
counsellors, all of whom are mothers themselves .(It makes me annoyed with the speaker
when I hear them say that a mother has “failed to breast-feed!”, usually
this statement comes from someone who claims to be a supporter of
breast-feeding .. Successful breast feeding has nothing to do with the
virtue or otherwise of the individual mother and everything to do with the
quality of support she receives from her spouse and from the wider
community. Trying to force a mother to breast-feed is not a supportive act, neither is judging a mother to be a failure
because she has had problems breast-feeding. .often irritatingly enough,
problems caused by the actions and views of misinformed breast-feeding
“advocates”. The important principle here it seems to be is “first do no
harm”.) For a summary of the pros and cons of bottle and breast feeding,
please click here; breast-feeding.
- By joining La Leche League; www.laleche.org.uk/pages/about/meetings.htm.
“Local
La Leche League Groups provide mother-to-mother support by holding regular
discussion meetings on various aspects of mothering and breastfeeding. It
can be helpful for a mother to come along whilst pregnant to learn about
breastfeeding, and reassuring to attend after the baby is born.” La Leche
League (
- By looking at some
of the Publications and the Website of
Association for the Improvement in Maternity Services; www.aims.org.uk
- By considering whether to have scans and if so, which ones. Many parents erroneously
believe that both hospital birth and the welter of ante-natal screening
tests to which all mothers and their babies are routinely subjected are
compulsory.
- By considering a home
birth; Even if you do not decide on this route ultimately, at least you
will be saved from kicking yourself after the event for not having
investigated the possibility, as many first time mothers do. www.homebirth.org.uk . wherever
you decode to give birth, it is vital that your wishes
are heard and you feel supported in your choice.
- By discussing your Birth plan with your GP. If he or she
clearly does not understand that his or her role is to advise rather than
to prescribe what you should do, consider finding a GP who does.
- If you want a home
birth you will very likely be fortunate to have attention from the most
experienced, most empathic Midwifery staff currently working in the NHS.
If, however, you are not impressed by the local Health care Trust’s
response to your choice or do not click with your community midwife, consider engaging the services of an
Independent Midwife. www.independentmidwives.org.uk
- Especially if you
are planning a hospital birth,
consider engaging the services of a doula "Doula"
(pronounced "doola") is a Greek word meaning "woman servant
or caregiver". It now refers to an experienced woman who offers
emotional and practical support to a woman (or couple) before, during and
after childbirth. A doula believes in “mothering the mother” - enabling a
woman to have the most satisfying and empowered time that she can during
pregnancy, birth and the early days as a new mum. This type of support
also helps the whole family to relax and enjoy the experience. www.doula.org.uk
The presence of a doula in labour has been shown to be the single most
important factor in reducing intervention rates and in helping parents
birth their child in a happy and relaxed atmosphere. As a result births
with a doula have been shown to be much less likely to result in surgical
interventions than control groups, reliant on Hospital midwives
- By reading up about what is needed in the way of practical
items (in fact very few.. many of the items marketed at prospective
parents are designed not for the wellbeing of your child but on the
premise that what parents want most is to spend as little time as possible
with their child click here for a discussion of the pressure on parents to
consume; what babies need.. and obtaining
the items you decide you need; You do not have to buy them new; many
clothes and slings can be had from Freecycle, from friends, charity shops
or from Ebay. Having a child is not the expense that our consumer society
would like us to believe that is.
- By making clear to
family and friends that after the birth you will be having a few days to establish your life
together as a family and that you will be making arrangements to see
them after a period of settling in.